Did You Miss Me?

Hello all of my lovely swamp witches, warlocks, and crazy cat people! Have you missed me? Because I've sure missed all of you. I'm sorry for how silent I have been these last 2 years. It would be an understatement to say I've been going through a lot. Let's recap, shall we?

2023-2025 RECAP

As you're probably aware, my baby, Black Cat Cafe & Gallery had to close. There were several issues with the building that heavily impacted the business. I unfortunately had to fight the landlord to try and get work done on the building, and when that failed, to get out of my lease. Running Black Cat Cafe & Gallery, and fighting for it all as a one-woman operation took a lot out of me both physically and mentally.

While this was going on I unfortunately lost my Grandpa Jim. Not too long after I lost my Grandma Mary Anne. I know they are in a better place and that they are together again, but I miss them. I miss hearing my grandpa hum, playing solitaire with my grandma, visiting the wildlife sanctuary with grandpa and all of us going to Baskin Robbins together. God, I miss them so much.

While fighting for Black Cat and handling the loss of my grandparents my marriage was really rocky. I won't go into much detail because honestly, we both failed each other and I don't want to get stuck in the past. In the end the man who had been my best friend turned into a complete stranger before my eyes and I eventually did not feel welcome and comfortable in my own home. Shortly after, Black Cat Cafe & Gallery closed, and right after my birthday I filed for divorce. My mental and physical health could not take it anymore.

I moved in with my parents for the summer. My health and mood improved greatly, but I still had issues with crippling anxiety and panic attacks. Especially when going out, especially when vending. I was scared I'd run into Him. A few times I actually did and if it weren't for the support of my amazing art vending friends I wouldn't have gotten through those encounters.

I had to leave most of my things behind at the house during the divorce, including my fur babies. That was probably the toughest part, having to leave my girls behind during the divorce proceedings. Thankfully, after several months and many debates, the divorce was finalized last fall, and I was able to take my girls and move into my own apartment.

It has been such an adventure having my own space to call home. A place that I can decorate how I want, where I can lounge about wherever, and where I can cook and bake whatever I want without being chastised. A place that feels completely like me. Having no one to take care of, no one to impress but myself. It's been nice, but it's also felt like something is missing.

I don't know if it's being single for the first time in over 15 years, living by myself, or maybe it's having just come out of two big, emotional battles, but for the last 2 years I've felt incomplete. Like I'm just a specter of my old self. Not really here, just kind of wandering aimlessly, not sure what to do, or even who I am. I tried getting back into vending, and I found my heart just wasn't in it anymore. I tried getting back into drawing, and I just couldn't find the inspiration, I couldn't find that spark I used to have. Whenever I drew something it almost felt forced. I even tried getting back into tae kwon do, which was a regular thing for me in my younger years, but that didn't feel right either. My day job sparked no joy. I mean who can really say that theirs does? I just found myself exhausted, and not sure what to do with myself. Hell, I'd be a big fat liar if I said I wasn't still exhausted.

Despite the bone-deep exhaustion, two things that have helped keep me going and still continue to make me smile (other than my cats), are music and baking. My café may be gone, but it didn't kill my love of baking. While bopping along to music, every week I try new recipes and share the results with my family. Some turn out great, and others not so much.

Over the holidays last year, I thought about how much has changed in my life, about how much I have changed. I'm not the same woman I was a few years ago, and it suddenly occurred to me that I was no longer tied down to that life. I have no one and nothing holding me back. I could move elsewhere if I wanted…and I could go back to school if I wanted. There was no one to stop me. I felt a thrill of excitement and it just, it felt so right when I thought about it. I've felt so lost, so exhausted, and anxious for so long, and deciding to start over somewhere new, go back to school and rediscover myself felt like the right move.

So….here we are. I decided I would follow a lifelong dream of mine and not only move abroad but also go back to school. I will pursue my love of baking and patisserie and start fresh. By going back to school for patisserie I can learn more baking techniques, and better prepare myself for the day I eventually worked to bring Black Cat Cafe & Gallery back to life. I have not given up on my baby.

Having been born in Germany, it has always been a country I've wanted to travel to and explore. So, of course, it was the obvious choice when deciding where to move to. I had already been slowly learning the German language, but once I made the decision to relocate to Germany, I started studying the language even more. However, learning the language was only the tip of the iceberg. There's also been getting my fur babies prepped for travel, downsizing like crazy, applying for jobs and finding an apartment. All of this while still working a day job, and running Alexandra Art+Design has been an adventure of its own. I cannot wait to leave in January. And I am beyond grateful to all of my friends and family who have been with me through it all.

I am grateful to my parents for helping me through the divorce and for giving me shelter when I had nowhere else to go. I'm grateful to my family and friends for being there for me, offering emotional support when the self-doubt crept in. I'm grateful to the family that stuck by me and believed me when I spoke of the troubles in my marriage. And I am grateful to all of my family and friends who have supported my decision to leave the US and go back to school.

I will miss everyone greatly, but this journey is something I feel like I need to do. And it's not like I will not stay away forever. I will be back, plus I'll be sure to visit over the years. I will also continue to create and sell my work on my website, though I unfortunately haven't done much these past 2 years. I'll be certain to post here on my blog too.

Y'all are amazing. Thank you again for all of your support over the years and I hope you all have happy holidays. ❤️